Heavier than a water bottle.

I’m hitting the gym.  The sweaty, weight-lifting pool of people are on my new playground.  I’ve gone to classes but it’s been eight years since I’ve lifted more than a water bottle.  I don’t know what I’m doing; I just know I have to do it.  My orthopedic and physical therapy guys both said, “You need to lift weights.”  With this hefty commandment I took heed.  My biggest problem:  What do I wear?

A weight-lifting program should be the problem.  There’s a guy for that and I have one.  It turns out I have A LOT of work to do and I have to be slow about it because the nasty knee surgery from April is taking it’s time to fully bake.  I have to say, my new BFF is the trainer. He’s finding all kinds of ways to wake up some knotted and lazy muscles and turn them into rocks. Just try sockin’ it to me; your knuckles will crack.  See, weight-lifting is not the problem.

Perfect! Gym or running.

All my workout pants are long and flowy at the ankle; too much fabric twists around my feet.  This is a problem.  I need running tights.  One would think this is just a quick stop to my favorite athletic shop.  No way.  I’m learning a lot of workout pants are sheer , a little peek-a-boo booty.   Nothing is left to the imagination for the million dollar question:  What color are the underwear?  Or, is there any underwear at all?  It feels a bit like the Emperor’s New Clothes.  You think you are buying coverage, but, the  bottom line is your bottom.  Until some brave soul can admit this to you, your birthday suit is on display.

Lululemon is the hot shop for fashionable athletes.  I have a number of their tops and a pair of yoga pants; I love them.  I was leery of buying new bottoms as the press back in the spring blew the whistle on the Emperor’s-New-Clothes sham.  Gyms all over the nation were reporting TMI in yoga and exercise classes.  I remember hearing a girl in the dressing room at Lulu’s being told the pants she tried on were not that see-through.  I didn’t think too much of it until a month later when the “exposé” hit the Wall Street Journal.  I was scared.

So, I tried Athleta first.  A lot of bottoms looked possible but realistically, capri tights kind of look alike and naming each style something snappy doesn’t help.  I started with two options.  One was plastered with zippers for hiding keys or quarters or who knows what, pepper spray?  The other was baggy at the knee and not for me.  If I want cute, I will have to risk a Lulu snafu.

I studied up online first. One Lulu reviewer said she was never so horribly embarrassed after a session with her trainer.  The brand new pants split a seam and SHE didn’t know it until HE, the trainer, told her.  Luckily she packed an extra pair of Nike pants in her gym bag.  But, a couple of my friends said, “Hey. Lulu is ok.”  I went.

I drilled the help. “Ok. Give it to me straight.  Do your pants split and are they still see through?  Your online reviews are terrible.”  “Well what are you going to use them for?”  Now if I had been my silly, smart-alecky self I would have cracked up on the spot with that loaded question.  “I’m working with a personal trainer,” I say like I’m in good company with fit-sters like Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna.  Lulu is hot and the employees know it and act all hot.  And for some reason I feel pressured to be hot in Lulu wear and want the Lulu lady to know I’m Lulu worthy.

The gal helping me had only a slight air of Lulu superiority.  She described two different pants in a long technical explanation or maybe it was just so long it felt technical.  “I just want coverage.”  She handed me some “wonder bottom” pant and suggested sizing up.  Not enough material to stretch across the beautimus maximus?  That should have been my 10^th red flag about Lulu pants. They were so comfy soft though.  And the sales girl said she personally owned 4 pair and wore them as pants!  At checkout, the icy cashier warned me about the 14-day return policy, don’t wash the pants with towels and under her breath, “it’s a privilege for you to shop here.” I’m not feeling super excited but I’m willing to try for comfy cool in my hot new pants.

At home I know I can get truth.  I don’t tell my husband anything about what is under my new wonder bottoms.  I assume the position, downward dog or paddle swats if you know what I mean.  I ask, “What color are my underwear?”  “Black! And I can see a white tag!”  Actually my underwear is navy but close enough.  I didn’t even think about the tag, bonus. In all fairness, I pulled out my Lulu yoga pants from 2 years back.  I assume the position.  Verdict:  “Nothing.”

I guess Lulu is getting too big for their britches in more ways than one.  I returned the pants to the store.  The girl looked frightened like I was pulling out a diseased pant or thinking, “Oh no.  Not again.”  She couldn’t believe it.  And her fellow employee couldn’t believe it either.  There is no wonder in wonder bottoms.

Back to Athleta website I go.  Maybe I just didn’t look hard enough.  I found a pair that sounded fantastic.  Two reviews specifically mentioned:  NOT SEE THROUGH.  I immediately clicked for two pair.  I pranced into the kitchen and asked hubby if he is ready for the test.  “Sure.  Hey those pants are kind of sparkly.”  I was trying to like this funky black with whispers of white lines.  Again, you can’t tell this stuff online and the color said, “Black.”  Well, I assumed the position and the pants were cleared for workouts.  Still ugly.  Darn it.

My husband says, “Who cares what you look like when you work out?”  Ohh.  You have no idea!  We girls work hard to look good for workouts, even if we don’t ever work out.  Athletic clothes are the best way to be cute and comfy all day and it’s ok.  And athletic clothes are way easier to coordinate outfits.

Gap Fit. Smart choice.

A couple of friends kept mentioning the Gap.  I just can’t see Gap at the gym.  But at this point, I’m willing to try one pair.  The fit and color are good.  I assume the position for my husband, “Nothing.”  OMG!  And so far so good!  I bought a couple of Gap tops that are super cute and super on sale so I can get a lot of them.  The pant fabric is pretty thick so they are a little hot.  But, for the gym it’s better to be safe.  Save the sheer pants for staying cool while running; where nobody can look long enough to figure out if you are a conservative streaker.  Winner for the gym:  The Gap.